The Untitled Fic of Absolute Nothingness
by Krystiana
Summary: Oh. My. God. (yaoi/slash in a major way)


The Untitled Fic of Absolute Nothingness  
by Krystiana   
kbrannan@neo.rr.com 

* * *

He woke up feeling the usual morning fuzziness. He smacked his lips as he groggily sat up and tried to open his eyes. 

"Oh, no." 

Duo opened one eye, then the other. Quatre was staring out the window, holding the curtains aside with his hand. His face held a strange expression of amusement and annoyance. His "oh, no" had sounded more exasperated than worried, so it couldn't be **too** bad... 

"What is it, Quatre?" Duo asked, flopping back down on the pillow. 

"Come here and look at this." 

"At what?" 

"Just come here." 

Duo groaned and sat up, wrapping a blanket around himself. He stood up and shuffled to the window, looking out. 

He promptly burst out laughing. 

"What were they **doing** last night?" 

"I have no idea." 

Below Duo's window were two sleeping figures. Two sleeping figures that had no clothes, but somewhat compensated for their nudity by the mud that covered their bodies. 

"It rained last night, and they're out there with no clothes on. It serves them right if they get sick." Quatre couldn't be serious by what he said... he never **wanted** people sick. He opened the window. 

"Should we get them inside and clothed before Wufei wakes up?" Duo shuffled back towards his bed. 

"WHAT IN BLOODY HELL?!?!" 

"Um... too late." 

Through the window, Duo could hear one person groaning with the usual "get the hell away from me because I'm really tired" tone that people had when they first wake up. He recognized it as Heero's voice... but that sounded most unlike him. 

"G'way, Wufei. We're sleepin.'" Trowa's voice sounded strangely disoriented. 

Duo looked at Quatre again. "What were they doing? What were they smoking? Drinking? Inahaling? Absorbing?" 

Quatre finally looked up at Duo's last option. "Drugs by osmosis. There's a new one." 

"Well... um... yeah." 

"Get dressed. We should probably go help them." Quatre started towards the door. 

"Why do **I** have to help?!!" 

"Because I said so."   


* * *   


His head hurt. 

Boy, did his head ever hurt. 

SHIT, it fucking HURT. 

And Wufei wasn't helping... 

Heero glanced down at Trowa, whose head was resting on his stomach. Trowa's hair was caked with mud, and smudges of dirt lined his face. His eyes were closed, but a little trace of smile played on his lips. 

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Wufei's voice jarred Heero's aching head again. 

Heero decided he was going to kill him. He sat up, ignoring Trowa's protests at the loss of his pillow. His eyes searched for Wufei, who was standing a few feet away, looking proud and disgusted at the same time. 

"I hate you," Heero stated simply. 

Wufei blinked. Heero felt disoriented. 

"Wufei, just go back to bed. It's too early to be up." Trowa's voice made more sense now, but his tone still sounded dreamy and spaced out. 

Heero started to stand up to break Wufei's nose... 

He screamed when a blast of cold water hit him. Still on the ground, Trowa writhed and tried to hide behind Heero's legs. Heero turned away and let the water hit his back. 

After a moment, the water died away, and Heero turned back to find the source, expecting to see Duo. 

"QUATRE?!" 

Trowa's voice sounded sceptic, like he didn't believe what was right in front of him. 

Quatre was throwing the hose back against the house. "You were too dirty to go back into the house," he said in a matter-o-fact tone of voice, as if spraying off a nude Trowa and Heero was something that he did every day. "Go back in the house and clean up, then you can find a bed and be more comfortable." 

"I like the ground." The water had shocked some of his senses back, but Heero still felt strange. "It's plenty comfy." 

"Oy... what were you two **doing** last night?" 

Duo's voice was not what Heero wanted to deal with right now... Heero turned his gaze towards Duo (who happened to be pullng a fuzzy pink robe on over some boxers) and sat flat on the ground indian style. "None of you business." Heero stuck his tongue out of Duo, crossing his arms. Beside him, Trowa laughed and wrapped his arms around Heero's neck. 

Duo stared. "Are you guys... okay?" 

"Never better... just go away." Trowa buried his face in Heero's shoulder. 

"You're acting very strange," Quatre stated. 

"That's 'cuz..." Trowa paused. "'Cuz we're shy. Go away." 

Duo stared some more. 

Wufei had, by now, turned away and was walking back towards the house, muttering something about being more discrete and pink fuzzy things. 

"You two... you two are very ill," Quatre said. "You need to come inside." 

"NO!" Heero glared at Quatre with a look that was worse than the one he'd given Wufei. "We want to stay out here." 

"We're living out here." Trowa was letting his head roll around, licking his lips. "It's nice and quiet... and the ground is soft and moist..." He let his head drop back to Heero's shoulder. 

"You're in our house, Quatre. You weren't invited." Heero was still glaring. 

Duo leaned forward and squinted at them. "What did you guys do last night?" 

"We ate frozen peas." 

"Among other things. Mmm... Heero-kun, you smell like peppermints." Trowa rubbed his nose into Heero's shoulder, hugging him tighter. 

"I thought I smelled like mud, pet..." Heero turned his head back towards Trowa, leaning into his embrace. "That's what you smell like." 

Trowa drew away from Heero, his lower lip sticking out in a pout. His eyes filled with tears and he drew his knees up to his chin. "Oh, no... does it displease you? I didn't mean to -" 

"Pet, I like the smell of mud." Heero pulled himself over to Trowa's quivering form and put a hand to his cheek. Trowa purred and stroked his face against Heero's palm. 

"GUYS!!" 

Heero and Trowa looked up at Duo's shout, anger in their eyes. "You're still here," Heero said. 

"I'm going to call the police if you don't get off our property," Trowa said, baring his teeth. 

Quatre thought for a moment, then smiled sweetly at the two muddy boys. "We're just here to see if you wanted to come over to our house and visit with us today." 

"Inviting us over?" Heero turned his head back towards Trowa. "What do you say, pet? Do you want to leave the house today?" 

"Not really... but it isn't polite to turn down an invitation." 

"What time?" 

"Um... now would be fine." Quatre's smile looked even more forced then it had before. 

"Well... why don't you go get ready for us and we'll be there in about 15 minutes?" 

"We need to get dressed, after all. We can't go visiting in our pajamas. It isn't proper." 

Quatre then forced a pleased grin. "Okay, then. But don't be late!" He turned, grabbed the still gaping Duo's arm and began dragging him back towards the house.   


* * *   


"What are you doing?" Duo whispered to Quatre. "We can't leave them out there." 

"We have no idea what's in their system, and I'd rather not get into a mud fight with a naked Trowa and Heero." 

Duo began staring into space. "That sounds strangely erotic." 

Quatre gave Duo a most un-Quatre-like look of murderous intent. 

The two walked into the house and shut the door. Quatre walked over to the downstairs window to peer out. 

"SHIT!" 

Duo jumped. "What did you just say, Quatre?" 

"FUCK!" 

"That's NOT what you said, and I sure hope that's NOT what they're doing..." 

"Where the hell did they go?!" 

"What?!" Duo ran to the window and pulled the curtain back all the way. "They're gone!" 

"Observant, aren't you?" Quatre snapped, starting back towards the outside door. 

"Waitaminute," Duo said, grabbing Quatre's arm. "If they said they'll be here in 15 minutes - dressed - maybe they went to go get their clothes. If they're not here in 15, then we'll go look for them." 

Quatre sighed. "Okay. I'm just worried about them..." 

"I know. I am, too." 

"Duo..." 

"Yeah?" 

"What's with the pink fuzziness?" 

"Eh?" 

Quatre pointed at Duo's bathrobe. Duo stuck his tongue out at Quatre. 

"I happen to like fuzzy things, but the store had no black fuzzy bathrobes." 

"Right." 

"Do you think I would **lie** to you?" 

"Actually, yes."   


* * *   


[Krissy says: Oh, my freaking LORD... WHY THE HELL AM I WRITING THIS?!?! THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY! I'm not a funny person!!]   


* * *   


The knocking on the door was expected, yet not, making both Duo and Quatre jump. 

"Um... come in!" Quatre called. 

The door opened and Heero and Trowa stepped in. 

Duo's mouth dropped open. 

This was even weirder than them being naked. 

They were wearing clothes... but... 

Heero was dressed in a pair of light blue jeans and a dark green turtleneck. 

Trowa was wearing a green tank top and dark spandex shorts. 

"Wha-wha-wha-wha-" 

"Um... hi! Welcome!" Quatre smiled, gripping the chair that was in front of him until his knuckles turned white. 

"Okay, we visited. Can we go now?" Trowa was tugging on Heero's arm. 

"Quiet, pet. They're showing us hospitality. We should at least be good guests." Heero patted Trowa's hand and smiled at him. 

"Come in and sit, please!" Quatre gestured at the couch. 

Heero half-dragged Trowa over to the couch and they sat. Trowa had barely touched the couch before he stood up again, pulling on Heero's arm again. "Okay, we sat. NOW can we go?" 

"No!" Heero's voice wasn't as soothing as it had been before. 

Trowa's face fell. 

"We have to stay a while, pet. I'll tell you when we can leave." Heero began stroking each of Trowa's fingers delicately. "Come on and sit next to me." 

Trowa sat, pouting. 

Quatre lifted a bottle of wine that he had hidden beside the couch and set it on the table in front of the couch. Duo sat in a chair that was on the other side of the table, still staring at the clothes the other two were wearing. 

Five glasses soon joined the wine on the table. Quatre filled four glasses about halfway and handed one to each person sitting around the table. 

"What's the fifth glass for?" Duo asked as Quatre sat in the chair next to him. 

"Wufei, in case he shows up." Quatre leaned over and turned the empty glass over. As he did, he spilled the contents of his own glass onto the floor. "Oh, dear!" As he sat back up, he leaned close to Duo and whispered something in his ear. "Don't drink it. Just pretend." 

Quatre looked at the mess he had made in annoyance. "I'll go get something to clean that up." He stood up from his seat, looking at the others. "You three go ahead and enjoy your drinks. I'll be right back." 

Duo silently cursed Quatre for leaving him alone with Heero and Trowa, and put the glass to his lips, but didn't drink a drop. 

Trowa downed his glass almost instantly, while Heero took tiny sips until the glass was empty. 

"Mmm... Quatre-chan knows his tea..." 

"Tea?" Duo asked. "This is wine." 

"No. It's tea. Bottled tea." Trowa handed Duo the bottle. "See, it even says so." Duo read the bottle, which still read 'red wine.' 

Duo raised an eyebrow, and set the bottle back on the table. "So I see. I'm mistaken, I guess." Duo began doing something he had never done before - he started praying. He prayed for Quatre to come back, or even Wufei to walk in. 

Apparently, someone listened to him, but didn't give him exactly what he asked for. 

Heero and Trowa passed out nearly simultaneously. 

Duo looked at the glass he was holding and dropped it as if it might bite him. "QUATRE!" 

"Did it work?" Quatre walked back into the room. 

Duo pointed. "If that's what you were trying to do, I'd say it worked." 

Quatre clapped his hands together. "It **did** work! Oh, good!" He walked over to the two and put an arm under Trowa's, draping Trowa's own arm across his shoulder. "Come help me put them in a room." 

"Oy..."   


* * *   


Heero woke up feeling rather groggy. 

What the hell had just happened? 

As awareness slowly began coming back to him, he realized he was indoors. On top of a bed. 

There was someone beside him. Heero rolled over to look. 

"Trowa... ?" 

Heero sat up, trying to force his body to be stable and his mind to do the same. 

The door opened, and Trowa rolled over in the bed, opening his eyes. 

"How are you two feeling?" Quatre's voice was gentle. 

Heero didn't say anything for a moment. "Fine." 

Trowa sat up next to him, saying nothing. 

Heero pushed himself off of the bed, staring Quatre in the eye. "Do you need us for a mission?" 

Quatre blinked. "No..." 

"Are you two back to being normal again?" Duo's voice sounded annoyed, but concern was underneath it all, remaining somewhat hidden. Quatre elbowed him in the stomach. 

"We're just fine. Thank you for your concern." Trowa's voice was quiet, courteous... 

... and normal. 

"Then... what... what were you two DOING last night? Because whatever you took, I want some!" Quatre spun around and stared at Duo in partial horror. Duo shrugged. "Hey... if it makes THEM act like THAT, imagine what I'LL act like!!" 

"You'd probably act normal," Quatre said, pushing Duo back into the hallway. He turned back and looked at Heero and Trowa. 

"But seriously... what was it?" Duo asked again from outside the door. 

"Absolutely nothing," Trowa said. 

"... Nothing?" 

"We wanted to see how you would react," Heero stated. 

"You didn't react well," Trowa added. 

"You need to be prepared for anything, even behavior problems." 

"If the need for a mission had come around while that was happening, you would have been distracted." 

Duo stuck his head back into the room. "I'm going to kill you two." 

"No, you're not." Quatre pushed Duo back into the hallway, then turned back to look into the room once more. "We're glad you're okay. We'll talk to you guys about it later." Quatre closed the door. 

Heero let his eyes drift back towards Trowa as the door shut. "We're not going to tell them to truth," he said, a smile playing on his lips. 

"You play the liar quite well, Heero." Trowa let his head drop back slightly, his eyes narrowing and studying Heero. 

Heero sat back down on the bed. "We won't tell them. This is OUR secret." He bent closer to Trowa and kissed his forehead. 

"Is that all I get?" 

Heero smirked. "No." 

He leaned closer...   


* * *   


"Bleah." 

"What?" 

"Bleah." 

"I heard THAT. But what?" 

"Bleah!" 

"DUO!" 

"BLEAHBLEAHBLEAH." 

"..." 

Exactly. 

This is the end, by the way. 

If you don't get it... good. I didn't get it, either. 

And I wrote it. 

Stop reading. 

It really is the end. 

Damn it... 

GO AWAY!! 


End file.
